Tying the Knot & Tying Up Loose Ends

Alright, so now that I may or may not have put my foot in my mouth I am going to write about something pleasant or at least completely subjective - true love. What does love have to do with the internet? Think about why user-generated is popular, why people type quiet confessionals through the night and why so many of us have taken great pains to fugly-up our MySpace pages - the web represents a human connection that is over one billion people strong. With odds like that somewhere someone is going to find you cool.

So once you've wooed them, made out with them in person, probably shacked up and been through the hard and poor times, what next? While I happily remain a lone cougar in the wild, so many of my friends are choosing holy matrimony. Yes, it appears that all of the interesting animals are pairing up and make their way 2-by-2 into the ark.

THE COST OF LOVE
If I got married -because my mother was on her deathbed, my mate needed a visa or I had a bun in the oven- I'd have myself a nice civil ceremony (possibly in Ewok costumes), and then buy about $1000 worth of booze and a small catamaran. However, this is not me we're talking about.

It is estimated that the online wedding market is worth more than $7.9 billion dollars. According to the Wedding Report, in 2006, the average wedding cost $26,800. In Seattle, close to my native Vancouver, the cost is more likely to be a little over $31,000. This calculator tells you just how extravagant some of these shindigs can get.

LOVE IS FOREVER: IS THIS REGISTERING?
So your friends are shelling out a small fortune for you to get wasted at an open bar. What meaningful trinkets are you gonna give them? Other than the odd groping of the groom's father, I try to buy presents off the registry. But do I really want to give my hillbilly friends of 10 years some $200 satin sheets when they really want me to chip in for an ATV and some inner tubes?

Holy matrimony batman! Sam and Erin, some of the most lovable Hin-Jew geeks I know have created a honeymoon registry complete with YouTube video. Rather than buying them crap that will crowd their apartment, I can send them to Ireland with a spa package, a night at a castle or a rental car. This is great! Of all the weddings I've been to, I've never once heard anyone say, "Oh God. Not dollar bills again. Take them back, we've got thousands of these."

VOWS: THE GROOM'S CRAP SHOOT
As a writer Sam shouldn't have trouble with his vows; however, the vows are that one moment in life where "strong and silent" is a sure way to avoid consummating your marriage that evening. For any man who has actually continued reading this far in the article, you may want to try using the vow fridge magnet tool.

INTERNATIONAL I DO'S
Muslim: The first online nikah (Islamic marriage contract) took place in Lucknow, India via web cameras in 2005. More recently in June 2007, a conservative Islamic theological school in Lucknow has made a statement that web cam marriage contracts are acceptable and legal. The decision was taken by the "fatwa" (decree) department of Darul Uloom Deoband in the northern Indian state of Uttar Pradesh.

Buddhist: For the past 3 years, on China's National Day, 100 couples have tied the knot in a massive wedding in Shijiazhuang China. Following the ceremony, the couples take pictures and plant tree saplings.

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Tying the Knot & Tying Up Loose Ends

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